Managing Over-sized Reactions during Violin Practice
Right out the gate I want to demystify something for parents who are on the violin journey. Every family struggles with home practice. Yes–even the student who seems to be ahead of your child or the one who happily saws away during group class (even when they’re not supposed to). Please don’t be afraid to bring up any home practice issues at the lesson. Lesson time is not just meant for violin skills, it’s also the time to discuss how practice is going at home and how to improve the experience. After all, the magic happens at home during practice–so, we want to make that experience the best it can be.
For the sake of this piece we are going to discuss over-sized feelings, and their resultant over-sized reactions, which many of us call meltdowns, tantrums or acting out. I want to reframe the words we use when children behave this way, because often times these reactions are the result of valid emotions your child is having. One thing I can guarantee every parent is that we can’t change a child’s feelings. But we can find ways to guide the resultant over-sized reactions to make practice more productive, positive, and meaningful. And sometimes we’ll be able to change the child’s mood in the process.
I often hear the following types of issues during home practice from my students and their parents:
“Ms. Morgan said to do it this way” from either side, met with disagreement from the other.
Over-sized reactions while working on something hard, like a new piece or technique, or when you ask your child to slow down.
Parent forcing a child to practice if they are not emotionally capable of doing so.
Refusing to start practice at all.
Expect over-sized feelings
I want to assure parents of the following: expect over-sized feelings and reactions to happen. It will happen. It’s going to happen. The part of a child’s brain that reacts to threats is fully developed at birth but the part of their brain that perceives the importance of these threats isn’t developed until they are in their 20s. What does this mean for us? Well, your child may be perceiving the frustrating parts of practice as a threat and doesn’t know how to calm their body down in the face of that frustration.
One thing I can guarantee is that your brain is fully developed, so you have the ability to stop and think before you act. But as I say this, you may already be thinking “I didn’t react very well last Thursday when my child wouldn’t practice Go Tell Aunt Rhody.” We do need to keep in mind that our reactions are much more complex even if they are fully developed. They are in-part knee-jerk reactions from how we were raised by our parents, mixed with new concepts we are trying with our own children since parenting styles evolve over time. It still requires work from you, the adult, to meet your child’s over-sized reaction with a calm reaction.
What we can do in the face of over-sized feelings
A simple formula can be applied to these moments. It may not work every time, but if we practice it with our children hopefully we can find calm ways to react when they have over-sized feelings.
Validate. Ask about how they feel and acknowledge that they are having these feelings. For instance, if you ask how they feel and they say they are angry, you could simply respond with: “I understand that you’re feeling angry.”
One thing I don’t tell children is “it’s OK.” Because to them they aren’t feeling good and telling them it’s OK only makes them feel confused–like something is wrong with them. Try to meet them where they are emotionally, this shows them that you have respect for them and it will go a long way with their socio-emotional development.
Empathize. Children crave respect from their caregivers and other adults. How would you want someone to respond if you were feeling upset? I know when I’m upset, a little bit of understanding goes a long way in my own mood. You could respond by saying, “it must be hard to learn the notes to Go Tell Aunt Rhody. I would feel angry, too.”
Support. Let them know that this process is hard and practice does make it easier, even if it is frustrating. There are always many options to lend them support and don’t forget to ask your teacher for help:
Just give them a hug. Violin practice can require a lot of hugs, especially for little ones, and I always encourage this during the lesson. Physical affection can make a big difference in feelings. When our body is calm, our mind can often calm down too.
I like to tell children that practicing is like a video game. When we’re facing a tough level it can be infuriating, but if we keep trying eventually we’ll beat it. And it is elating to beat a really tough level. Practice tends to feel the same way, so ask them to keep trying until they eventually feel that sense of accomplishment.
If your child isn’t a hugger, just let them know you support whatever decision they make about continuing practice in this moment with these feelings. It’s possible that tomorrow practice will be better, or that the entire week is rough. Address it in your lesson to make the next week of practice more meaningful.
Or they might just need a short break. Or Snack? Bathroom break? Or simply asking them what they need in the moment.
I often ask parents: “what would practicing with your parent be like?” What would have made practicing with your parent easier if you could change their behavior? What would your behaviors have been as a child? And are you seeing those behaviors in your own child?
Remember that practicing while having over-sized feelings is not worthwhile. It’s much more worthwhile to stop and try again the next day to preserve a positive relationship to the instrument. This violin journey is a long one and never ends. We are fostering a love of life-long learning in our children through violin lessons, and learning is often met with difficult feelings like frustration and sometimes even a sense of hopelessness. We can’t avoid these feelings, but we can mitigate them through respect and support, so that we can find the moments of joy and accomplishment.
